I’m curious how you reconcile the hierarchy while also separating your baby boy from it. I remember you saying you don’t put him into that hierarchy because of the things he’s been through and you only care for his happiness, not any label. But isn’t this contradictory? Especially because you react negatively to people who doubt their “place” or the hierarchy all together? Does he himself believe in the hierarchy? I can’t imagine him believing you’re inferior because he adores you.

Deep down I know he is part of the Hierarchy. We all are. I just … (sigh) … I just know his heart so well. It is the single most beautiful heart I’ve ever encountered, a glimmering jewel hardened and crystallized through the most tragic of circumstances. That it exists in its present form is a minor miracle. 

And so I just want him to have some peace. That’s all. There will be time enough for him to make decisions about those things later, when he’s ready. But now, he deserves space and he deserves peace.

As for me, my baby boy hates when I refer to myself as a faggot. You are very clever to infer that. I’m not even sure if he likes this blog, primarily because of that fact. He wants me to see myself the way he sees me. Believe me, that affirmation from him means the world to me.

His attitude towards all of this can be best summed up by something he occasionally says to me: “I can’t ever hate that blog or what you write there because that’s how I met you. Everything came from that blog.”

And that’s how I feel, too. It’s one reason why I’ve fought so hard to keep it running. As a tribute to the single most important experience of our lives.