The following post is part of a thread following the 18-year marriage between gay Apex Alpha Master M and his fagwife Baldwin. CLICK HERE to read all posts in chronological order!
When I talk about Hierarchical fulfillment, I’m usually talking about it in the context of sexual encounters. Those sexual encounters will often lead to service relationships, which bring even deeper levels of fulfillment.
And sometimes, that Hierarchical fulfillment leads to true love and marriage.
I recently developed a friendship with a dear fag brother named Baldwin. He’s been married to a gay Apex Alpha named Master M for 18 years. They live a quiet, comfortable life together in a beautiful, neatly-appointed home in the Netherlands.
My brother has crafted a stirring account of his life-long love affair with his husband and god.
What more can i tell you: we have been together for 23 years now and have been married for 18 years. My Husband was the first and only person i have ever slept with. He finds it extremely appropriate to know that i saved myself for Him and that he de-flowered me.
From a very young age it was clear that i was/am gay, which my parents could not accept. On top of that i was a very girly kind of little boy: i hated playing with other boys, i felt more connected/understood by girls. i hated sports, i didn’t want to do any boyish activities or toys. i loved playing with my cousins’s Barbie dolls, but my parents made it quite clear that was despicable.
i was abused, verbally and physically, by both my parents throughout my entire childhood, my mother especially. This has left me with scars that have not gone and will never completely go away. i have learned to accept that this will always be part of me and will always hang over me. i have had extensive therapy and with loads and loads of love and TLC from my Husband i can cope most of the time. However there have been and will continue to be periods of darkness where i feel overwhelmed by the outside world, hiding in my Husband’s arms. He loves me so much it hurts sometimes. I often feel that i am not worthy of Him and that i am a burden to Him. i don’t know if you understand what i mean but i am pretty convinced that you do. Thank you for that, my sweet little faggot brother!
I managed to escape from my parents just before my 23rd birthday in 1998. I had found a dear little apartment and i felt liberated but also extremely intimidated. i moved in beginning of February. Around the same time i had found and bought a Dutch magazine for gay youngsters. i felt really embarrassed when i had to hand it over to the cashier of the bookstore at the Central Station in Amsterdam, because she’d realize that i was gay. As if she hadn’t spotted that as soon as i walked into that store: i have GAY written all over me! Somehow the need to buy this magazine was stronger than my feeling of shame and embarrassment. i am a great believer that certain things are meant to be and i am very spiritual. i still have my faith and it is of comfort to me, even though the Catholic Church is not stepping up with the times. Can you guess what i discovered in that magazine, little brother? It was a contact advert that a 27 year old young Man had placed in which He described that he was looking for a sweet, cute boyfriend. i felt instinctively that i MUST write to this Man, don’t ask me why but i felt it extremely strongly. The advert also said: NO PIC NO REPLY. i felt too awkward about the picture. Back then i was convinced that i was too hideous for words and if i sent my picture this Man would run away as fast as His legs could carry him. So i sent a handwritten letter (remember, those were the good old pre-internet days). i wrote as neatly as i could, and at the same time i was worried sick that this Man would find my handwriting too ‘girly” (i have been ridiculed by my parents that i write like a girl, especially when dotting my i’s: i always put circles or little hearts instead of a .). What would He think of me……
Things didn’t turn out the way i had feared: about 10 days later i found a letter in my letterbox and the handwriting was not familiar to me. i opened it and: HE had written! i cannot think about this joyous moment without crying, even to this day (here i go again. i feel so proud and grateful, little baby and brother and above all fellow faggot that i can share this with you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!). He wrote that He found my handwriting so pretty(!) and was so charmed by the gracious and respectful tone of my letter that He decided to write back. Even though i had broken the no pic no reply rule. He also wrote that He had shown all the letters He had received to His friends and they all urged Him to pick me. Can you imagine how proud and honoured i was to read this? A Man who called me SPECIAL? He even went as far as to send His letter in 2 versions: one written and printed out from His computer and a handwritten version. He explained that He has a very bad handwriting and He wrote it by hand first and then wrote the same text on His computer so He would be sure i could read it. He told me i should consider myself extremely honoured that he also sent the handwritten version; He never does that to anyone else. I read and re-read His letter, kissing the sheets of paper and walking around with butterflies in my stomach. At the same time i was extremely nervous and anxious about it all: what if this goes further? What will happen if He wants to see me? Will He just run away fast as the wind? Will He laugh at me for being so stupid to think that He could possibly be interested in somoene who is too ugly for words? How will i ever be able to cope losing my new found Prince?
In the end i overcame my fears and decided to give Him a call. I was so afraid He would just laugh at me because of my voice ( my voice is your stereotypical high pitched girly gay voice and people have made cruel jokes about it all my life. So i am always very nervous when i have to speak to strangers or speak in public. It is one of my biggest nightmares). Again i was worrying myself into a total state of despair for nothing! He was friendly, even though He hates phone calls, He was interested and sincere. Also i loved his voice: Masculine! We then called for hours every single day for 10 days and then my big fear became reality: HE wanted to meet me in person……. i was so scared but i knew i had no choice if i did not want to lose my Prince. So i accepted.
He decided (the first signs of Him being Dominant then and there!) that we would meet at the Meeting Point sign at the Central Station. Date chosen Friday the Thirteenth of March 1998. i felt sick to my stomach during the quick trainjourney from where I lived and where we still live close to Amsterdam. i was convined i was going to be dumped straight away and an hour later i would be back home crying myself to sleep…..There was this incredibly manly Man waiting by the sign dressed in nice, manly clothes with thinning hair, slightly taller than me with a bit of a belly. And i felt so attracted to Him i desperately tried to gaze at Him without drawing attention. He turned around, looked at me and gave me a HUGE SMILE! To this day, 23 years later, He gets all shiny eyed with a huge twinkle in His eyes when He spots me. I could not believe it: He liked me, otherwise He would not have smiled at me! Oh little brother, sorry for being so detailed but i simply HAVE to tell you my love story. And i know you will not betray my trust! He took me out for dinner, He had booked a table for two at his favourite Italian restaurant. i felt nervous because it was expensive and i was a poor student back then. Once again i was worried sick for nothing. He treated me like a princess and made it quite clear that He had decided that i was the one and He wanted to start a relationship with me! He paid for diner and everything and i just felt so special.
So now you know how we became involved. Six months later He moved in with me and we have been together ever since. We got married 11th of March 2003 and had our honymoon in Paris. He told me then and there: “You are mine and exclusively mine. And now I even have the Law behind Me. You are my little princess and I am never ever letting you go!”
My Husband has been the key to my self-acceptance and the gradual change that i have made in my perception of myself over time: from self-hatred to acceptance to pride. He has made it clear to me that He doesn’t give a damn about other people’s opinions or views on me and our relationship: He is my Man and i am His princess and His wife.
The first time we had slept together at my place He whispered in my ear:”you are the prettiest little boi I have ever met and you are adorable. However, there is one thing you are going to do for Me in order for me to be even more attracted to you; you are going to shave your entire body and rub it with body lotion. This you will do every day for the rest of your life!” i am very hairy when i don’t shave. The thought had never crossed my mind that this could be a way to become even more feminine and attractive. I told him with a huge amount of shame that I did not have any body lotion in my house. He grinned, said: I knew you wouldn’t, princess” and gave me a plastic bag with lady razors and body lotion. i went to the bathroom, red as a tomato but also excited. When i was completely shaven and put on the body lotion i scurried back to the bedroom. For some reason i felt He wanted to see me naked. i felt afraid, ashamed and extremely turned on. He told me to cuddle up next to Him. He started stroking all over my body and whispered:”now you are perfect.”
A couple of weeks later He asked me why i had such a baggy dress sense? He couldn’t work out why someone who has such a slender small body was wearing XXXXL sized clothes. i told Him that that was not my decision but my mother’s. She felt that if i wore tight clothes or size S (my real size is S or XS, depends on the brand) i would look even more gay and ridiculous. I had never been allowed to choose/buy my own clothes and i had to confess i had no idea what type of clothes/style would look good on me. He stared at me in disbelief and then said:”right, young lady. Get your coat on NOW. We are going to Amsterdam for some proper clothes for you. i had to protest and confess i had no spare money for clothes. He turned around, asked: “what the Hell has your money got to do with it? I am buying clothes for My princess and you keep your wallet at home!” Once again He showed authority over me and i ADORED it! We went to H&M, he chose several sets of clothing for me that i had to try one piece after piece and show Him how it looked on me. i obediently did so and after i had tried everything on, He told me: “now you will do the following and I will not take NO for an answer: You will pick the 2 pairs of trousers/jeans, the 2 shirts and the 2 t-shirts you like best and you will give those to me!” i could not believe what was happening. He took them, paid for them, and then came back to me with the shopping bag. i was not even allowed to carry it. He felt that was His job, carrying His gift for His princess. Can you even begin to imagine how liberating that moment was for me, little precious one? My Man buying stuff for me, but also being interested in what i liked? Being supportive and telling me how gorgeous i was looking?
As you will understand by now, my little brother, my Husband has been capital in my life and i cannot imagine life without Him. Sometimes i think about how time has flown by these 23 years and how amazing it has been. When i think about how we probably only have another 25/30 years together before one of us dies, i get in a complete state of panic and i don’t want to live anymore.
Isn’t that gorgeous? Baldwin is such an open-hearted angel, and Master M is the prototypical Apex Protector Alpha, calm and confident, full of power and wisdom.
Baldwin shared a bit that shows how they share a love of the finer things in life:
i’m sorry my last answer was brief: i was shopping at Primark when i read it. My Master ordered me to go shopping there and get some extremely slutty summer gear. i think/hope He will be pleased with what I got: a very tight pink singlet (xs), pink shorts, 10 pairs of pastel colored sneaker socks from the ladies department (i have very small feet, luckily) in the colors pink, lilac, neon yellow, orange and mint green. And a lot of stuff for personal grooming. My Husband only allows me to go shopping at Primark for clothes that are not work related or for when we visit His family. i don’t have any contact with my parents since they cut off all ties 13 years ago. you will guess their reasons for it, brother. In those situations i am allowed to wear clothes and shoes from Zara.
My Husband only wears very expensive brands, both for clothes and shoes. He feels that this helps other people to see the difference in status between us: the Alphamale in expensive clothes, His faggot/bitch in cheap slutty gear. He also demands i always wear my engagement ring and wedding ring on my left ring finger and my rose gold slave ring on the right. He also makes me wear a slave necklace clearly displayed in public. In bed and during BDSM sessions i wear ones in leather, during the day i get to wear metal ones with heavy locks. Also he makes me wear feminine accessories in public: last week He got me a pastel light green backpack and a pink wallet that i always have to have with me when we go outside. He loves this forced feminization on His faggot and I adore Him for forcing this on me: anything to please Him and make Him feel proud and superior!
Last night Baldwin and I shared a five-hour phone conversation (Master M was out of town on business) during which we shared intimate stories along with many laughs and tears. In that conversation Baldwin shared a darling story about dolls that so clearly demonstrates his Master Husband’s incomparable Apex Alpha wisdom. They are both beyond description.
I couldn’t wait to share this story with the world. I want Alphas and faggots alike to know with confidence that complete, life-long fulfillment and happiness can happen when we accept our truth and live it honestly!
If this story doesn’t accomplish that lofty goal, then I have at least gained a new brother and lifetime confidante. I thank my dear Baldwin and his glorious Master M for sharing their truth with me!
HIERARCHY IS TRUTH!