This thread follows Alpha Matt, a Man who endured horrific abuse as a child that had him convinced he was a faggot, only to discover he was actually Alpha! To follow this dramatic story of Hierarchical self-discovery, CLICK HERE to read them in chronological order!
One of the most curious recurring stories on this site over the last five years have been those involving Alphas who suffered such extreme abuse as children that they grew up thinking they were actually faggots. Every case follows a predictable pattern: the Alpha tries to perform service as a faggot, feels uncomfortable, becomes angry and even more depressed, and then discovers his truth as an Alpha and is transformed.
This unveiling of Alphahood is usually so dramatic and breathtaking that the truth cannot be denied. But the burial (but not destruction) of Alphahood by childhood abuse really demonstrates the real power of Hierarchy. We are born into our place in the Hierarchy, and no amount of abuse or trauma can ever change or erase that.
The latest triumph of Alphahood over adverse circumstances involves an incredible and articulate Alpha named Matt. His story is so tragic and exhilarating that I’m going to let him tell his story uninterrupted.
I’ve been debating about whether or not to send you my story. I don’t need answers or support as I know who and what I am (now at least). I would say it’s more I just want to share it as it’s finally starting to become complete. And if it can help others then even better.
I stumbled on your twitter which is what led me to your website, Iv been in the fag/Dom circle (not sure what you want to call it) for many many years As I browsed your site I read the post about the rape and that hit me hard. Which is what got me thinking about my life and how I got to where i am now.
So with that little bit of info out of the way. I can begin my story. I am currently 31 years old, but this struggle and understanding of faggots and Alphas starts back to when I was an infant. I would NOT call my father an Alpha, he was a lazy piece of shit, with anger problems and a sex drive that he chose not to control. I despise calling him my father so for the rest of the story we will call him K.
I am the 2nd youngest of 8 children, yes I know that’s a lot of kids. K refused to work, my mother for as long as I can remember worked 3 jobs. Yes 3 jobs. K was found of beating his sons and raping his daughters. Until even raping his daughters wasnt enough and then he moved on to his sons as well.
From my earliest memories I remember being hit and thrown around. Bruises and injuries were not uncommon. By the time I was 5 I remember K raping me and he continued raping me until I was 8. When I turned 8 he had lost a fight with my oldest brother and that unhinged him. In order to keep some form of power his normal physical abuse where hed hit me a couple of times a week, became full-on beatings.
There were days I really thought I wasn’t going to make it. From 8 to 12 I was beaten almost daily. (no i didn’t go to the hospital) My sister couldn’t handle being raped anymore and threaten to call the police unless my mother left him. (she new some of what was happening K was always physical but when she learned of the rape that was when she left. She didnt know about the beating until years later.)
I get this question a lot so I’ll answer it now. No my siblings did not know he was beating me as bad as he was. K was an ass he wasn’t stupid. He never hit me in places that were easily visible and I never took my shirt off in front of people out of fear and embarrassment. Yes it was hard to explain why I had cuts and was bleeding all the time but remember my siblings were trying there best to survive as well and my mother was working her self to death to support us.
When K left, I thought I could finally start living. I had known for years that I found other boys attractive and was pretty sure I was gay. I had never dared say anything since I come from a VERY religious home. (yes again I know thats ironic, a religious home where everyones being abused.) I remember trying to find out what it meant to be gay by looking it up on the computer. ( we only had a family one we shared) I didn’t know much of computers at the time so I didn’t know it kept a history of what was looked at.
My mother took me for a drive and asked if I was gay, since she had found porn on the computer. I told her I was (I know I was only 12 but I knew I was) I honestly didn’t think she would be as upset as she was. I started conversion therapy shortly after, and it was absolute hell.
From 12 to 23 I was in conversion therapy, I admit I had made many suicidal attempts by then. But I digress. At 23 I had had enough, I left home and went out into the world hoping to figure out who I was and what was wrong with me. (turns out nothing).
I know that was a lot of info but its important. For a long time I thought I was a fag. I went through the mental stages of (was the rape and abuse my fault? what did I do wrong? maybe I deserved it. maybe it happened cause im gay.) etc.
For many years I had tied the abuse/rape to being a fag. It’s not about my pleasure it’s about their pleasure, what they did was really ok and i shouldn’t be angry about it. I’m too weak and men should use me and abuse me. But there were SO many struggles. I had been conditioned to be submissive since I was a child. I also hated K and did not want to be anything like him. So i tried to be soft, gentle, submissive etc.
As I became sexually active around 14 (yes i was having sex with guys as I was in conversion therapy, i new it was shit and only did it to please my mother) I found it arousing to be dominated and controlled. But as soon as I had an orgasm it was gone. I was embarrassed at first but as I really analyzed my feelings it wasn’t just embarrassment. I was angry I felt unfulfilled, unhappy and Id ask myself. “why am I doing this?”
I thought well the problem is im having orgasms, so i tried edging and delaying orgasm. I loved feeling horny and how good it felt to have my cock touched and pleasured. I thought this was the right track. so I went farther and tried chastity. It was ok I couldnt wear it for more then a few hours.
Now I also struggled with my appearance. Physically I do not look like a fag. (yes I know how you look doesn’t really make a difference in wether someone is a fag or Alpha) But I was sucked into the mentality that it did. I thought fags were supposed to have small cocks, and be small people.
I am 6′ 4, I weigh 225 lbs and my cock is certainly not small. I dont say this to brag because all these “amazing” qualities were a real struggle for years. I couldnt get an Alpha to take me as his fag because I was twice his size. I got told SO many things.
You’re too tall, you’re too big, you’re to hairy, your balls are too big, you produce too much cum. (if i don’t jack off at least twice a day my balls hurt like crazy and I told Alphas this. But they didn’t want to deal with milking me that often). You’re too masculine, (I absolutely hate being feminized) I mean I literally heard it all. I also hate having something in my ass, I do not like how it feels. But fucking guys, that is something I LOVE to do. Also not huge on the taste of cum, I don’t like it in my mouth. I don’t care if you cum on me just don’t cum in my mouth. I tried to get myself to swallow cum and be a good fag but I was constantly angry.
It’s like the only form of submissiveness I liked was when a guy touched my cock and got me off. (Not sure why I thought that was submissive back then but i did, oh well)
I felt like I just couldn’t win no matter what I did. And every time I had a Dom type guy use me I still felt unfulfilled. Nothing was working for me.
I finally found an Alpha who would take me and i was locked. I thought this time ill be happy in total denial and being horny all the time. I’ll do my best to focus on him and not think of myself at all. (i really did my best, at least i think i did) After a week in chastity, even being aroused didn’t make me happy. there was no joy, no sense of accomplishment, no sense of purpose, nothing. I was pissed and angry and all I could think of was I wanted to lock him in chastity and watch him break.
That’s when I decided I needed to take a step back re-evaluate myself. I broke things off with the Alpha. (he was not happy about it) and started trying to figure out what was going on mentally with me. At the beginning of the year (2020) I was talking to an Alpha who was really nice, took things slow, was kind. I was also chatting with a faggot who I consider a friend.
Things were progressing with the Alpha and moving into “it’s getting physical” and instantly my old feelings were back. I broke things off with this Alpha and decided I was beyond broken and the abuse was still affecting me in ways I couldn’t handle.
Then I had a thought, what if I was the Alpha? Now I had had this thought many times in my life. But I had always dismissed it as fast as it came, because I thought being an Alpha meant I had to be like my abuser. Or that I was like my abuser.
But this time I actually thought about, I reached an understanding that abusing others and following your instinct/biology are 2 very different things.
As I spoke to my faggot friend and we talked about this he helped me realize and understand that I was indeed an Alpha and he would be more than happy to serve me.
So I embraced it, and my world finally clicked together. I was using the faggot and the completeness I was feeling was unlike anything iv ever felt before. I felt this intense feeling of satisfaction and was on an Alpha high for days after. I couldn’t wait to use another fag. I am finally experiencing the feeling of power, control, satisfaction, and acceptance that I had heard Alphas talk about when using a fag.
So with all that said.
To any other Alphas out there that were raped, I am sorry you ever had to go through that. I know it’s the last thing you want to admit or talk about. It’s the most humiliating thing that could ever happen to you. Your power and sense of being a man is literally ripped from you and shredded to pieces. Or so it feels. But remember that NO ONE can take your power from you. You were born to be on top and that is where you will stay.
You are not alone, again I understand Alphas do not want to talk about things that make them feel weak or powerless. Conquering something as painful as rape or abuse. Will show you that you’re more powerful than you ever thought you were. Yes, it’s one thing to control another man, it is something else to face your worst fears, biggest insecurities and deepest hatred and come out on top.
And to the faggots out there who have been raped. I’m also so sorry that you went through that. You are also not alone, rape and abuse twist the mind in strange ways.
So as an Alpha I’m telling you these truths. I know you’ve heard them before.
You did NOT ask for it.
You did NOT deserve it.
It does NOT define you.
and YES you can heal and grow from it.
your place may be to serve men but regardless of where you are in the hierarchy, it takes STRENGTH to accept who you are and live in a way that brings fulfillment. You too can face your fears and overcome them. Never forget that.
Such a profound journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance! There is so much wisdom embedded in this story! I really hope Alpha Matt’s experience can help other Alphas who might be buried beneath the weight of past horrors.
Just remember – what you were meant to be is not lost. It cannot be destroyed.
I asked Master Matt about his current faggots. He wrote:
It’s been an amazing experience owning a fag. I wanted to cage him, but his fag balls are so sensitive that putting a cage on it causes severe pain. It’s something we’re working on. My current fag does not live with me. It serves me as best it can. Daily oral service and fucking its fag pussy.
I do plan to have more. I use a couple fags as I’m out and about.
From faggot to powerful Alpha! The truth cannot ever be denied!